


Defining Family

by Imagining_in_the_Margins



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Awkward Romance, Children, Cute Kids, F/M, Family Reunions, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Light Angst, Old Friends, Reunions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-24
Updated: 2020-08-24
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:33:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26076499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Imagining_in_the_Margins/pseuds/Imagining_in_the_Margins
Summary: Spencer finds out he’s a dad… to a twelve year old girl. Your twelve year old girl, who just broke into the FBI.
Relationships: Spencer Reid/You
Comments: 1
Kudos: 79





	Defining Family

**Author's Note:**

> I borrowed my friend's OC "Aries" for this fic! Check out her writing at @hyper-fxation on tumblr!

Theoretically, my job should have prepared me for almost any stressful situation. Over 10 years of working for the FBI, I’d experienced some of the most distressing, painful, mind-numbing situations that a person could even begin to comprehend. I’d been beaten, drugged, and tortured to the point of literal cardiac arrest, but nothing could have prepared me for what happened the morning that a little girl knocked on the glass doors of the Behavioral Analysis Unit.

For all intents and purposes, it was a completely normal day. On some level I had heard there would be a group of middle schoolers from local schools coming to visit the headquarters, but I’d also been told that they wouldn’t be making their way through our offices. I distinctly remembered that because I would have come prepared, considering the last time I’d seriously interacted with children that age was when I was seven, and they’d had a tendency to shove me in lockers back then.

But when I heard the soft rap of tiny hands against the glass, I turned to find a a young girl staring straight through the room, her eyes landing on me with a curious tilt of her head. I turned to look behind me, sure that there must be a reason she looked straight at me instead of any of the other people wandering in the bullpen.

There was no one behind me, but luckily, there was someone closer to the door. JJ must have spotted the girl before she even knocked, because she swiftly made her way to the door. But as soon as the hinges swung open, the girl took a step forward under her arm.

“Is Dr. Reid here?” She asked.

_… What?  
_

JJ and I looked at each other, her implicitly asking me for permission while I desperately tried to beg her for help without actually vocalizing the sheer panic I felt inside. Because I definitely did not know this small child, and I had no idea what she could possibly want with me. And, as this job made me painfully aware, it was never a good sign when someone took an interest in me.

“… Yes, he is.”

Unfortunately, either my message went unheard, or JJ chose the pity and intrigue for a child over me. The girl looked pleased, albeit a bit nervous as she kept glancing at me, clearly aware of who I was but pretending not to for some reason. She was a bad liar, but most kids her age were. I know I was.

“May I speak with him?” She tried to lower her voice so that I wouldn’t hear, but my mind was so focused on the conversation taking place that it would have been impossible to turn it off.

“… with… Dr. Reid?” JJ clarified, also looking over to me just in time to see me turn back to my desk.

Something deep inside my gut, a feeling I’d never experienced before, warned me that trouble was coming. There was a vague familiarity and emotional response I couldn’t put a name to— something akin to an instinct. The only problem was that I had no idea why I was scared of a child. It wasn’t that she could physically hurt me, her stature significantly smaller than my own, but instead the feeling that she was about to open the Pandora’s Box that I wasn’t even aware I was carrying in my hand.

“That’s correct, ma’am.” She sounded so familiar, and so alien at the same time. Like the first time you see your childhood home after it’s been renovated for another family. Like walking back into your elementary school and seeing that it isn’t nearly as big as you remembered it being.

“Sure. Let’s… go talk to Dr. Reid.”

Something was off about this child, and JJ was leading her straight to my desk.

“Hey Spencer, you have a visitor.”

I sat up in my chair, spinning around to face the child that was so confidently staring me straight in the eyes, an odd smile stifled on her lips. “Hello!” I squeaked, cringing at the way my voice cracked between the two total syllables.

“Hello Dr. Reid. My name is Aries.”

It wasn’t what she said that caught me off guard, but the way she raised her hand in a half wave rather than reaching forward to shake my hand. As soon as the movement ended, she tucked her arms behind her back, her eyes finally averting to the ground as she swayed in place.

“Hi…” I muttered, too caught up in that unsettling feeling that had spread from my gut into my chest, buzzing with adrenaline that had no apparent purpose. There were only a few reasons I would react so strongly to something so seemingly insignificant, so I went out on a limb and asked the question that had been burning in my mind since the moment I saw her on the other side of the double doors.

“Have we met before?”

“No, we haven’t.” She nonchalantly explained, bringing a finger to her chin as she continued, “Although, I probably look at least a little familiar to you, considering your genes make up 50% of my DNA.”

Theoretically, my job should have prepared me for even the most shocking revelations. I’d witnessed the impossibility of what I perceived to be the afterlife and seen a dead friend come back to life months later. I had done so many things that should have been impossible, but… None of it felt more unreal than that moment.

“I’m sorry, what?” I asked with perfect clarity in my voice, not a single sign of a waver or pause. I wasn’t sure what overcame me, but something in me took charge and sought the information the rest of me desperately wanted to forget.

“50% of my DNA came from you, which means you’ll notice traits of mine similar to your own, or possibly from other family members.” She answered, gesturing her hand between us.

Just like I did.

“Are you…”

And then it made sense, my primitive mind meeting with my limbic system in the perfect storm to try and warn me of what was inevitably going to follow when I saw her.

“Am I saying that I’m your daughter? Yes, that’s what I’m saying.”

My first reaction was regrettable. Because even in the face of all the evidence I should have needed, I wanted to prove her wrong. I wanted it to be a mistake, for her to have found the wrong man. I looked into the eyes that looked too much like mine and wanted to find a way to make them belong to someone else.

“How old are you, Aries?”

“I’m twelve.” She didn’t seem fazed. If anything, she seemed impressed that I’d asked the correct question.

“Twelve…” I repeated. “Where are you from?”

The little one named Aries was beaming now, ready to help me come to the same conclusion she’d apparently worked so hard to reach. “I was born in Las Vegas, Nevada.”

I didn’t need to say anything. She saw it on my face immediately. There was simply no other logical reason why a little girl from Las Vegas, with my mannerisms and eyes, would wander into the BAU and declare herself my daughter.

She was telling the truth.

“I understand you’re at work now, and your job is very important.” She began, digging through her small purse hanging from her shoulder that looked more like my satchel the longer I stared. She was talking like this was an ordinary conversation, like she hadn’t turned my world upside down with this crushing information. “But if you don’t mind, Dr. Reid, I’d appreciate an opportunity to talk to you sometime. My mom’s stories aren’t the same.”

“Yeah. We can talk later, definitely.” I mumbled back, staring at a hand-folded envelope with my name scribbled across it in a chicken scratch I could read.

“Dr. Reid, I have one more request before I go.”

As much as I wanted this interaction to end so I could sort it out in my mind, I also really wanted her to stay. I just didn’t know if it was because I still wanted her to be wrong, or if I desperately wanted her to be right.

“What?” I’m still not sure what I expected her to say, but it wasn’t what she said.

“Don’t be mad at my mom.”

It was the normal progression of this conversation, which was definitely the furthest thing from normal. She was worried about me fighting with her mother.

The mother of my child. The child I hadn’t known existed. The thoughts were so overwhelming that I couldn’t breathe, and I definitely couldn’t speak. Whether she meant to calm me down or distract me before I collapsed under the weight of my racing thoughts, she continued.

“She was really young when I was born. Even though she was an adult, they say our brains aren’t fully formed until we’re at least twenty five. Her prefrontal cortex still had a lot of maturing to do at nineteen, which is also probably responsible for the events that led to my conception, anyway.”

Laughing wasn’t an appropriate response, but I laughed, nonetheless. It was mortifying and strange to hear her talk about it so nonchalantly. It sounded exactly like the kind of inappropriate conversation I would have had with an adult at her age.

That made sense, I thought, considering she was my daughter. That alone kept me from trying to do the math to determine who her mother was. But then again, I didn’t need an eidetic memory to know who she was talking about.

I could never forget her mother. I just thought she’d forgotten about me, or at least wanted to. 

Aries, with an apparently uncanny ability to read my thoughts, gave a sympathetic smile as she laid her little hand on my knee. “If it’s any consolation, my mom really cares about you. She talked about you all the time. She still does.” She stopped to giggle and scoff, rolling her eyes and recalling memories I would never have. “It’s kind of why it was so easy to find you.”

I didn’t know if the fact that her mother spoke about me often made this situation better or worse. But I did know that Aries, and her little hand patting my knee in consolation, made me feel better, despite the whirlwind of information that came with her.

Within minutes, she’s carved space in my heart and taken residence with reckless abandon. She never even asked; she didn’t have to.

How was I supposed to learn this, to feel her presence and love her existence, just to let her… walk away? How was I supposed to let her go and return to the stack of papers that felt a lifetime away?

And how the _fuck_ was I supposed to forgive her mother?

The girl in front of me must have seen it in my face, or heard it in the ragged exhale, because this time she nearly begged. “So… don’t be mad at her. Please.” She flashed me the textbook puppy dog eyes, the ones everyone had warned me would bring me to my knees one day.

They were right. I couldn’t say no to her. I couldn’t hate the person who’d made her. I couldn’t even be apathetic — without her mother, none of this would be real. I still couldn’t forgive her, not yet, maybe never. But I could promise Aries that I wouldn’t be angry with her mother.

Confused? Scared? Sad? Those were still fair game. Of course, I think Aries had known as much when she’d specified anger as the forbidden emotion.

“Okay.” I answered, hoping that she hadn’t suffered many memories of angry men in the time I wasn’t there to help protect her. I hoped that she had no bad memories at all, although I knew it was a naive thing to wish for. I just didn’t want any of them to also be my fault when I had no happy memories to offer her.

That was what I thought, anyway, but I was wrong. Because no sooner had the begrudging agreement left my tongue, than she was flashing a large, excited smile. It was our first memory, I realized, and I didn’t want it to be over yet.

“Thanks.” She said, turning to leave without so much as a handshake or a hug. It felt wrong.

I wasn’t sure what to ask to make her stay a little longer, but I had to do something before she disappeared forever.

“Can I ask you a question?” I blurted out, successfully winning her attention back.

She looked at me a bit suspiciously when she answered, “Sure.”

“Where is your mom?”

Her answer would have been interesting— I have no doubt about that. But she never got to tell me the answer, because fate interrupted our conversation in the form of a very frantic woman bursting through the doors of the BAU with an even more flustered security guard.

Over the chaos of a worried mother’s wailing, I heard Aries groan under her breath. “Shoot. She caught up way faster than I anticipated.”

I recognized her immediately, even though the twelve years had aged us both. I’d pictured how she must look a million times in my head, but once she was in front of me none of those imaginative versions seemed right. She somehow looked almost exactly the same as the last time I’d seen her, albeit more tired and better dressed than the late nineties had allowed us.

“Aries! What the hell do you think you—“ When her eyes landed on me beside her, or rather, our, daughter, her voice cut out with a violent choke.

“… Spencer?”

“(Y/n) …” I mumbled back at an equally quiet volume. It was a wonder we could hear each other at all, although it made more sense considering the immediate, shocked silence that followed the consecutive spectacles.

The only person in the room that wasn’t shaken at all was Aries, who let out a long sigh of relief.

“Oh, good!” She said, “So I was right.”

—

Of all the places I could have been on a beautiful Tuesday morning, being stared down by the father of my child in an unclaimed office in the FBI’s Behavioral Analysis Unit’s Headquarters in Quantico, Virginia was so far down on the list, I couldn’t even tell you what number it was. All I knew was that it was only slightly above literal hell.

And then, with just one question, Spencer made it even worse.

“Is it true? Is she my daughter?”

I had to laugh at the question, considering it came from a man with an eidetic memory. Like he would be less likely to remember the last time we had sex before I disappeared off the face of the earth. That was a funny thought, until I realized it was possible. Maybe he’d wanted to forget. Maybe the man with the perfect mind had written me out of existence. Maybe he hated me that much.

“What do you think?” I asked, clearing my throat and stepping away from him to create more distance between us and lean against the wall in place of the emotional support I desperately needed.

This was not how I’d expected the day to go.

“I don’t know what to think, I… I just found out I’ve had a daughter for twelve years.” He responded. It was obvious that he was incredibly overwhelmed and even more angry— understandable responses that I definitely didn’t want to deal with.

“Yeah, you have.” I deadpanned through a yawn.

Spencer might have been offended by my unbothered disposition if he weren’t as clever as he was. It was one of the many times in my life I was unbelievably grateful for his mind. Because he saw me, half asleep against the wall while he had a nervous breakdown that I was fully responsible for, and he didn’t blame me for being tired.

“Is that why you just… left?” He asked instead, his eyes locked on mine in a remarkably uncharacteristic way, his eyebrows furrowed harsh and unforgiving.

“Yeah.” I didn’t know what else to say. It had been twelve years, and I still hadn’t found the words.

“You didn’t think I’d want to know? That I had a right to know?”

“Spencer, I was nineteen.” I tried to appeal, but he cut me off before I got far enough to make any sense.

“And I was twenty! What difference does that make?!”

As his voice raised, I realized it was the only time I’d ever heard it in such a register. It stole the breath from my lungs, my body shrinking against the wall as I was faced with the wrath that I could only blame myself for. In front of me I saw a man, the first and only man I’d ever loved, and I saw what I had done to him.

“She’s my _daughter_ , (y/n)!”

His voice echoed in the room, and I think the sound shocked him, too, because we both just stared at each other for a long time, chests heaving with emotions that we’d kept bottled up for too long. They had to come out somehow, and I bit down on my cheeks to try and distract myself from the pain in my chest.

“I know, okay? I know. I wanted to tell you. I was going to tell you, but then it went by so fast.” I said, the fight leaving my body and being replaced with a crushing sadness. I couldn’t tell if that was worse, but I couldn’t help it, anyway. All I could do was pour my heart out and hope that it would be enough.

“It went by so fast, and before I knew it, she was walking and talking, and I-I got scared I waited too long and you would hate us for it.” My voice broke on every other word, my hand clutching my chest so that I could hold onto something. To convince myself that this was real. That I couldn’t just wake up.

I couldn’t make it better. It was always going to have to hurt.

“I’m sorry, Spencer. I didn’t want you to find out like this, either.” I croaked, finally looking up to see the hurt in his eyes. It wasn’t just the betrayal; it was the fact that he saw the tears in my eyes and still felt the pain I felt. He still felt bad for me, even though he really, _really_ didn’t want to.

I wished he didn’t. It would make this easier.

“You’re a wonderful man and you both deserve better.” I said the thought because he also deserved to hear it. I said it and I watched the way his eyes went glassy and he refused to look way. I kept my eyes on him until I ran a tired hand over my even more exhausted face and continued with a laugh, “But I’m running on like 3 hours of sleep and our daughter just broke into a goddamn FBI unit, so I’m not exactly feeling very stable right now.”

For once in his life, Spencer Reid was quiet. He wasn’t just quiet by choice; I could see on his face that he didn’t have any words. His emotions were as clear to me as they always were, proudly on display even if he didn’t know it.

“You don’t have to try to feel bad for me.” I said, my voice full of resignation and pain. I couldn’t look at him anymore when I said, “I get it if you hate me.”

Of all the things he could have said to me, “I’m not mad at you” was the last thing I thought I would hear. I didn’t believe it at first, my heart wrenching in my chest and jumping through my throat. He saw my relief and sought to abate it; to bring me back down to where I ought to be. 

“I told Aries I wouldn’t be mad at you.” He explained. It only made the feelings more intense— both good and bad.

“God, she’s just like you.” I choked on the words I’d told her a million times. He’d never heard them before. And now that I’d seen the look on his face when he heard them, I was filled with the worst, most unbearable regret.

“Where are you living now?” He asked, clearing his throat to hide the crackle in his voice.

There was no easy way to say it. I just had to say it and hope that it wouldn’t be enough to make him change his mind about being mad.

“Fairfax.”

“You _live here_?” His voice strained just like his hand as he covered his face, rubbing his temples with frustration before he snapped his attention back to me. “My daughter’s been _thirty minutes_ away from me? For how long?”

“We just moved here this year. I didn’t even know you were here.” I needed him to believe me. I was telling the truth. I’d never looked him up because I knew once I saw his face that I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. And now that I was here, I knew that I was right about how it would feel. I knew that I was wrong to have avoided it.

There was never any chance of me keeping Aries from her father, but if I’d at least had the decency to know where he was, I could have prevented this. Was it wrong for me to be glad it had happened, even when it was this painful?

“Apparently Aries knew, but…” I laughed at the thought, unable to piece together what point she had figured it out. She was too smart for me. She was too much like her father. “I guess I wasn’t as sneaky as I thought when I talked about you.”

While my heart had gotten to take a break, with happy memories flooding back into my mind, Spencer had no such place. From the look on his face, he hadn’t had a place like that in a long time. And now I was here, flaunting the one that should have always belonged to him, too. The one I took from him.

“Please…” He begged, taking a deep breath to hopefully steady his voice. We both knew it wouldn’t work, and when the first tear fell down his cheek, I realized that I was crying, too.

“Please understand how hard this is for me.” He humbly requested, like I could ever understand.

“I know.” I said, hoping that he heard the apology in the words, “I know this is the worst thing anyone’s probably ever done to you before, and I’m _so_ sorry.” I hoped he heard the truth of it, the way that I’d carried the words for the twelve years I’d been away from him.

I hoped he felt the love that we’d carried with us and knew that just because he hadn’t been there or known the love existed; it didn’t mean that it wasn’t still his. That he couldn’t grab hold of it and keep it forever. I needed him to know that he would always have us, that our hearts still beat in tandem as a family despite the miles and years between us.

“But our daughter is here now.” I whispered, watching the way his mouth still wasn’t sure whether to smile or frown. “She’s here, and she really wants to know her father. So, if you can find a way to—“

“Do you think I don’t want to be her dad?” He asked with some strange mixture of incredulity and disgust at the implication. “Of course I do. It’s… It’s all that I want.”

I swallowed hard, taking a deep breath in and slowly blowing it out, hoping that it would carry away some of the pain with it. Every step forward, we left some of it behind. Every word we shared; I felt the future closing in on me. I felt the way that I wouldn’t have to lie to our daughter anymore. 

“Okay.” I said, looking up at him and seeing the man I loved so much once upon a time. I saw him and looked just the same. More. Happier then, I nodded at him. “Okay, then… let’s do it. Somehow.”

The few steps it took to close the gap between us felt so far. I put my hand out to him, knowing that it wasn’t really his thing but hoping he might make an exception for the mother of his child. There was a time we’d done much more than that, after all.

Spencer did make an exception, but not the one I thought I would get. He didn’t shake my hand. No, Spencer took just as many steps forward as I did. He stepped forward until we met in the middle and his arms wrapped around me so tightly that I thought I would never be able to breathe again. It wasn’t the force of his arms, but the power behind the action.

I stood there stunned for longer than I should have, feeling the way our hearts were still able to find each other through the layers of fabric. I felt our connection running through all the different circumstances that had brought us there like a pick in a lock. We just had to find the right combination of words before the door was open, and we could be alright again.

I just had to say it.

“I’m so sorry, Spencer.” Once I was able to control my arms again, they were around him just the same. My face was buried in him, my sobs probably ruining his jacket, but making something else new, instead.

I just had to be honest.

“I missed you so much.” I mumbled, my hands finding their way into his hair that looked so different but felt and smelled the same. The realization only made the words more real, and I clung onto him and prayed that he would understand. Cautious and quiet, I heard his truth whispered in my ear. 

“I-I… I missed you, too.”

The words broke me. I’d never liked the music they played in movies during scenes like this; they always felt so cheesy and forced, but I understood it then. I heard the music in our breath and the metronome of our hearts. And when Spencer spoke again, I thought about all the music we’d have to make up for.

“Thank you for raising my daughter all that time by yourself.” He spoke through sniffles. “That must have been really hard and I just… need you to know that you’ll never have to do it alone again.”

He always knew what to say to make it okay again. He still did.

“I’ll always be here. For both of you.” He promised, and I believed him.

Holding him tighter while I still could, I told him the words he deserved to hear twelve years ago. 

“Thank you for giving her to me.”

When I opened my eyes, still blurry and burning from twelve year old tears, I saw a sliver of light break through the crack in the door that continued to widen. Past the outline of Spencer’s shoulder, our daughter was just barely visible as she peeked around the door with a wicked grin. I laughed, because there was nothing else to do when your tiny twelve year old that had broken into the FBI just to humiliate you flashed you a thumbs up.

She really was just like him already. And then it hit me— that she would be able to learn directly from him now. I sighed, because there’s nothing else to do when you know you are so fucked, and you definitely deserve it.

And I smiled, because I absolutely could not wait to see where they took me.

I couldn’t wait to go there together. 


End file.
